Words like weapons: Toxic communication – and what it does (2/3)

Congratulations, you've read quite far – we wouldn't have expected that from you. Are you a little angry now? You should be, because that sentence was pure poison. You'll find more of it – and the antidotes, too – in this blog.

Language conveys emotions – lots of them. Good and bad. This is clear to anyone who has ever cried while silently reading a book. Excuse me? Crying because of an abstract code made up of 26 letters and a few umlauts. Yes, that happens – especially with beautiful love letters. Has it never happened to you? Fortunately, we can all still learn a lot in our lives. And now it's become a bit toxic. Is the author implying that you HAVE to learn something?

What is toxic communication and why can it hurt?

Toxic communication is, first and foremost, communication that triggers bad feelings in the recipient. It's not always the result of ill will; sometimes it simply stems from sheer carelessness. "It's not that bad!" You probably know this phrase from your childhood. Or you've even said it to your toddler/child a few times. HOW bad something is, however, is very subjective.

This sentence therefore does two things: It invalidates your child's current feelings (sadness, anger, shame, etc.) – and it takes away the listener's power to define what is bad or not bad for them. How could you make things better? For example, by asking your child what they find so bad right now. With younger children, this doesn't help much – because they can't articulate it. So, silence and a good old hug are enough. Fathers are always happy to do this, too, because mothers haven't signed up for an unpaid full-time job in their relationship.

Toxic communication refers to any form of verbal or textual interaction that is harmful, destructive, or hurtful to one or more people involved.

How does toxic communication appear in everyday life? 

This type of communication can take various forms, including but not limited to:

1. Verbal aggression: Insults, name-calling, or derogatory language intended to humiliate or degrade another person.
   
   
2. Manipulation: Attempts to control or influence others for one's own purposes through deception, blame, or exploitation of weaknesses.
   
   
3. Passive aggressiveness: Indirect expressions of hostility or dissatisfaction, such as sarcastic remarks, silent treatment, or intentionally ignoring the needs of others.
   
   
4. Gaslighting: A specific form of manipulation that involves trying to get someone to question their own perception, memory, or reason in order to gain power and control.
   
   
5. Excessive criticism: Constant negative evaluations or criticism (“nagging”) that is rarely constructive and often serves to undermine the other person’s self-esteem.
   
   
6. Controlling behavior: Attempts to tightly control or restrict another person's behavior, decisions, or interactions, often under the guise of concern or protection ("I worry about you when you react like that...").

Toxic communication can have serious effects on the mental health of those affected, including stress, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.

It can also occur in any relationship, whether in partnerships, at work, in families, or between friends. Identifying and becoming aware of toxic communication patterns are essential steps to changing such dynamics and promoting healthier forms of interaction.

In the armory: Examples of toxic communication from everyday life 

Blame shifting

Intention: To shift one's own blame or responsibility for a problem onto the other person.

Example sentence: "If you didn't always overreact like that, we wouldn't have another argument."

Good response: "It's important that everyone takes responsibility for their own actions. Let's talk about the root cause without assigning blame."

Deflection (deflection)

Intention: To divert the conversation from critical topics in order to avoid having to take responsibility yourself.

Example sentence: "We're only talking about your behavior here, why are you bringing up something completely different now?"

Good response: "It's important that we stay on topic. And the topic is both of us. Let's come back to that—or I'll end this conversation here and we'll both figure out what we're talking about."

Shifting responsibility

Intention: Refusing to take responsibility for one's own actions or their consequences.

Example sentence: "That's not my problem, you're the only one who has a problem with it."

Good response: "Wrong. We're both in this situation, and it's important that we both recognize our role in it and talk about how we can move forward together."

Generalizations

Intention: To overshadow specific problems or behaviors with general statements, making meaningful discussion difficult.

Example sentence: "You always do everything wrong. And I also think you do it on purpose."

Good response : "Such generalizations are not helpful. And your statement is only hurtful to me. Can we talk about concrete examples so we can both see what this is really about?"

Self-victimization

Intention: To portray oneself as a victim of circumstances/the other in order to generate sympathy and distract from one's own misdeeds or responsibilities.

Example sentence: "Things like this always happen to me, you better get used to it and accept me."

Good response: "I'm sorry you feel this way. Let's see how we can actively address the problem instead of seeing ourselves as victims of circumstances."

Pretended sensitivity

Intention: To portray any form of factual criticism as a personal attack in order to silence the critic and change the subject.

Example sentence: "Your words hurt me deeply, you know how sensitive I am. You always criticize me anyway."

Good response: "It was and is not my intention to hurt you. I want to talk about the problem to solve it, not to blame. And maybe we can grow from it."

Passive neediness

Intent: Using hints or unspoken expectations to gain attention or support without directly asking for help.

Example sentence: "No one really cares about me or what I'm going through. Other women/men would understand me immediately."

Good response: "If you need support, it's important that you communicate clearly. I want to help you, but I need to understand what you need."

Indirect communication

Intention: To convey messages or desires indirectly to avoid direct rejection or confrontation.

Example sentence: "Some people just know how to brighten someone's day without you having to tell them."

Good response: "Direct communication helps both of us clearly understand what you want or need. Let's just try to talk more openly with each other. Then maybe I'll be 'some people' too."

Feigned inability/helplessness

Intention: To avoid taking on tasks or responsibilities by pretending to be incapable of fulfilling them.

Example sentence: "I really don't know how to do that. I'm just too clumsy/technically untalented to do it. You do it much better than me anyway."

Good response: "I'm sure you can do this with a little practice. How about we take a first step together and then you continue on your own? I'm here to help if you have any questions."

Allegation

Intent: Ascribing unfounded motives or intentions to the interlocutor in order to discredit him or her or force him into a defensive position.

Example sentence: "You say you just want to help, but I know you're just trying to make yourself look better."

Good response: "It's a shame you see it that way. And it hurts, too. My intention was really just to help. Let's talk about how we can avoid such misunderstandings in the future."

Backhanded compliments

Intention: To inflict a subtle insult or criticism on the other person under the guise of a compliment.

Example sentence: "It's really brave of you to wear such colorful clothes. I could never do that because I care too much about other people's opinions."

Good response: "Thanks, I love experimenting with my clothes. It feels great to express myself in what I wear without worrying too much about other people's opinions."

Conditional threat

Intention: To restrict the freedom of action of another or to gain one's own advantage by threatening unpleasant consequences for certain actions of free action.

Example sentence: "If you think you need to have 'colleagues' in addition to a partner, then I'll just break up with you."

Good response: "Friendships are not a threat to a healthy relationship. Please think about this carefully, and then we'll talk. I also want a relationship without any threats."

Gaslighting ("The Arsenic")

Intention: A deliberate attempt to undermine the other person's self-perception. Highly toxic and extremely dangerous for the psyche.

Example sentence: "I never said that. You're imagining things again. You're probably becoming paranoid." (with provable facts)

Good response: "Actually, I remember very clearly. I don't doubt my mental health at all. Let's not make such accusations. If necessary, we'll probably have to get the important things in writing."

Conclusion: Take it seriously and act 

Have you always had that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when reading the example sentences? When you read the positive response, you may have even thought, "I'm definitely not going to back down and respond to something like that!"

Totally fine. And very healthy, too. If you bite into roast beef that's well past its expiration date, you won't respond with a satisfied smile. Toxic communication is poison in the form of words—and poison is best neutralized.

Never do the mistake of seeing toxic communication as "just words" that can't harm you. Because words trigger thoughts, thoughts can become beliefs – and these can control your entire actions. In other words: This form of communication is, at best, somewhat desperate and annoying – at worst, dangerous or even fatal to your freedom and health.

By the way, it's quite possible that your conversation partner will again resort to toxic communication tactics in response to your attempt at mediation. Perhaps they'll pull out their verbal two-handed sword ("You've never understood me anyway").

Then you can actually only do two things:

1. They go to therapy together and practice “nonviolent communication.”
2. You're definitely changing your conversation partner.

Congratulations, by the way, you read the entire article. We never would have expected that (oops, backhanded compliment...😜).

In the next blog: "Are we all narcissists or what?" (3/3)