From wound to wisdom: Self-confidence as an art of living

The book "Trust is good, self-belief is better" reveals how our deepest wounds can become sources of strength. It's an exploration of self-awareness that shows how true self-belief emerges from the shadows of the past.

What we understand by trust is essentially a childish construct based on illusions, which stands or falls with the attitude of others towards us . This is the provocative premise of the book "Trust is good, self-confidence is better: Ways out of the disappointment trap" by author duo Krishnananda Trobe and Amana Demant Trobe. A bold claim, but the psychiatrist and psychotherapist find quite compelling arguments to support it.

Trust, false trust or self-confidence?

In the world of trust, not everything is as it seems. We become aware of this when trust suddenly gives way to deep mistrust.

Betrayal/cheating, a brutal emotional blow, has the power to reopen childhood wounds and shake our most basic feelings of security and acceptance. At first, we might even proudly claim, "I don't mind, I'm above that person" – but deep down, we feel the burning pain of rejection, similar to the feelings we experienced as children, when we sometimes felt deeply misunderstood.

The true challenge, and also the key to growth, lies in not suppressing these painful emotions, but rather embracing them, say the authors. By facing our greatest fears and hurts, we create the necessary space for genuine self-confidence , which doesn't depend on external approval. This "real trust" differs significantly from "false trust," which is fragile and always depends on the approval/"correct behavior" of others.

Studies on trust actually show that true self-confidence grows from accepting and processing all life experiences—both the positive and the painful. The best examples are people who have never been able to accept themselves, but who, after suffering severe setbacks, blossom and share their experiences with the world.

Or people who, through a devastating blow of fate, discover their true calling – and then inspire the world with their insights . It is the deep understanding of our own experiences and emotions that makes us resilient in the face of life's vicissitudes. By confronting our childhood wounds and transforming the pain into understanding and acceptance, an unshakable foundation of self-confidence is created, say the two authors.

The “inner child”, characterized by fears and unfulfilled needs

The profound impact of our childhood experiences on our adult lives is a central theme in modern psychology. Parental narcissism , for example, often a major cause of childhood trauma, leaves a scar that is reflected in behavior and emotional response in adulthood. Reliving these childhood experiences from an adult perspective can give us a fundamental understanding of our reactions and our very long-held distrust of people and life.

This confrontation is not only a journey into the past, but also an opportunity for healing, according to Trobe&Trobe. An important part of this process is therefore recognizing and dealing with our " regressed inner child ." This part of our personality, which can often be demanding, impatient, manipulative, or even vengeful, reflects the unresolved conflicts and needs of our childhood. It constantly demands attention, even late into adulthood – and can manifest itself in the form of tantrums, irresponsibility, self-sabotage, and depression. It is a form of regression that allows us to avoid fears and pain by simply following the strongest impulses we feel at the time.

The challenge, according to the book, is not to reject this regressed inner child, but to lovingly observe it, embrace it, and also set boundaries. This is a crucial step in breaking out of negative patterns that impair our relationships and our self-image. Interestingly, our partners' weaknesses often trigger our early childhood wounds – and bring the regressed child to the fore. This creates a vicious cycle that can strain our relationships and even parenthood.

Dealing with these deep-rooted issues requires courage and self-reflection. However, the process also enables us to live a more authentic and fulfilling life. Accepting and healing our inner child then leads to stronger, more genuine self-confidence. Sooner or later, we may even recognize a painful past as an important part of our entire story, without it defining our present and future.

Recognize roots, find your own opinion, “form new branches”

Our upbringing and the family values ​​we learn in childhood often lay the foundation for our personality development . These values ​​form a kind of " box " in which we move. They set guardrails for us, but also boundaries within which we feel accepted and recognized. Often this means taking on certain roles in the family – and developing behaviors that were rewarded in our family environment, while others were frowned upon. This could be the "hard-working husband", the "loving mother" or the "good child", it doesn't matter. Conditioning in childhood always strongly influences our emotional reactions as adults.

But this "emotional road" isn't just one-way, as we often think. Extreme emotions like anger and grief, which we experienced in childhood, carry hidden messages and the potential for healing. For example, anger that's finally released can contain a great deal of strength and self-confidence, while acknowledged grief can encourage us to look at our sensitivity—and lead us on a direct path to self-love.

However, a certain degree of detachment from the values ​​of our nuclear family is often an important step in growing up, the authors write. This means developing our own definitions of love, partnership, parenthood, success, and happiness in life, which may differ from those of our parents. Only this process leads to greater self-acceptance and reconciliation with our past.

By becoming aware of the roots of our upbringing—and simultaneously allowing new branches of our lives to grow—we also acknowledge that our past is an integral part of who we are today. We can gratefully retain what we still stand for—and courageously reject what we see differently today. Without this awareness, however, we may well end up living according to roles that were never intended for us—and that make us unhappy.

From camel to lion – and then to child?

Friedrich Nietzsche's theory of development , represented by the metaphors of the "camel," the "lion," and the " child," offers a further perspective on this human development and self-discovery. For the German philosopher, the camel symbolizes the beginning of our life's journey, characterized by faith, humility, simplicity, and charity. This phase of endurance and self-restraint is comparable to the life phase of a young adult who tries to live up to the expectations of their environment by following the established rules and norms without resistance. Simply "be good."

In the transition to Leo, we experience a breakout from these predetermined structures. The lion represents freedom and self-determination; it fights against the 'great dragon' of conventions and obligations. This phase is the stage of life in which a person begins to rebel against accepted values ​​and norms and to form their own identity. This may begin in puberty, but only becomes truly conscious in mature adulthood.

According to Nietzsche, the journey ultimately culminates in the child, who represents innocence, forgetfulness, and a new beginning. The child is creative and unburdened by the past; it symbolizes the process of growing up into a person capable of creating their own values ​​and morals, entirely without outside help and dogma. An example of this could be an artist who, after years of experimentation and self-discovery, finds their own unique style. Or an entrepreneur who finally starts their own company.

Nietzsche's metaphors teach us that every step of life's journey—adaptation, escape, and creative new beginnings—is essential for the development of an authentic self. By going through all three stages, we emerge as a mature, self-determined person capable of shaping life according to our own ideas.

Stay true to yourself, connect with others – or even both?

In the complex world of relationships, we often struggle with the desire to open up while remaining masters of our own destiny. This conflict between autonomy and commitment leads us to a central insight: setting boundaries and consciously navigating (rather than following along) in relationships are the keys to integrating our self.

Recognizing and accepting our strengths and weaknesses enables us to act authentically, the authors write. When we learn to accept and share our anger, sadness, and even moments of uncertainty, we develop self-confidence within the relationship. This awareness helps us set boundaries that arise not from hostility, but from love and honesty. It's no longer about controlling the other person, but about self-determinedly enduring frustration and consistently standing up for our own needs.

An important aspect of this is taking responsibility for our own behavior. Honesty in relationships—both in what we do and what we don't do—creates true trust and closeness. And only by consciously empathizing with the pain of others can we also better understand our own pain.

The experience of deprivation —when we feel abandoned by others—can, however, repeatedly trigger anger and resignation. Trobe & Trobe argue that we ourselves must take responsibility for the fears, loneliness, and pain that arise from deprivation. The result is an integrated self, capable of engaging authentically in relationships—while remaining true to our own values ​​and needs. Once there—and perhaps still unhappy in the relationship—this self would certainly go its own way. Just no longer as a "victim," but as a self-empowered person who doesn't blame their (ex-)partner.

How can we learn to trust and truly experience depth in life?

For the author duo, learning to trust and experiencing depth is a journey that always forces us to first understand our inner child – and to take responsibility for its impulsive behavior. This journey also always leads us through various phases in relationships – from initial caution towards others to exaltation of one's partner (during the deepest stages of infatuation) and subsequent disappointment. It is important to recognize this process as a turning away from self-deception. We are disappointed so that we can break free from our previous false trust.

According to the authors, successful self-integration requires relying less on expectations and instead being more open to what life shows us and brings us. We must first accept our own dark sides, such as anger, vindictiveness, or insincerity, before we seek them out, find them, and criticize them in others. This acceptance enables us to develop a self that is not sabotaged by repressed parts. This inner work leads to true self-connection —always the most important prerequisite if we want to establish a stable connection with others.

Trobe and Trobe also encourage us to follow our own intuition and the signals of our life energy, rather than being guided by the fears of our inner child. It's about consciously seeking opportunities for growth that may seem uncomfortable, even frightening at first glance (so-called "living vertically," looking deep instead of on the surface), especially when we're stuck in routine and weakness. This requires being honest with ourselves and not making lazy compromises on important things. It means prioritizing our heart and body over our pure mind, even if this may be inappropriate for others.

However, this is no license for lies and deception. The authors even write that only "one hundred percent honesty " allows for true love and trust. This is probably an inhumanly high standard when you look at the world outside of self-help books. But the author duo would probably respond that, in the end, it's about whether you can stand by the path you've chosen. Responsibility, therefore, is primarily to yourself. Honesty not as a favor to others, but as a tool to stay true to yourself.

The book's afterword summarizes the essence of this journey through life, with one line of poetry standing out in particular: "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you really like the one who keeps you company in these lonely moments."

It is a call to accept yourself unconditionally as your “best friend” – and to continually appreciate this company.