Toxic behavior and (vulnerable) narcissism (1/3)

People live, love, and make mistakes. But there are certain behaviors that have no place in human relationships. They belong on the "bonfire of interaction." This series is about that—and narcissism.

A fitting joke about former President Donald Trump's character might go something like this: "Why does Trump hate all online narcissism tests ? Answer: He's never managed to score higher than 96 out of 100." The popular definition of narcissism is people like Trump or arrogant CEOs . They'll stop at nothing – but they're also very proud of it. There are, however, other forms of narcissism: covert, insecure, anxious. But what actually lies behind this overused label – and why would you want as little of it as possible in your life?

Narcissism: The “self-love” devoid of any self-love 

In his " Metamorphoses ," the Greek poet Ovid (43 BC to c. 17 AD) tells the story of a tragic youth. Narcissus spurns all his suitors equally. Nemesis, the goddess of righteous anger, punishes the infinitely discerning man by making him fall in love with his own reflection. Although he sees through the deception and suffers agonies, he cannot tear himself away from the image of himself in the pond until his death. After his death, he is transformed into a daffodil on the bank—a daffodil that is, after all, not unattractive.

A life of emptiness, yet also in the compulsion for external validation. No conviction of being sufficient in and of oneself. Nor a healthy self-reflection through creativity and art – but rather a constant striving for recognition through mere reflection by the outside world. The psychiatrist Sigmund Freud coined the term "narcissism" in a 1914 essay on the subject. Today, it is used in various contexts – from psychology to management theory.

2024: A good time for this kind of “self-love” 

Social platforms like Instagram are full of people – mostly young and attractive – presenting themselves in similar poses from all over the world. " Influencers " are seen enjoying themselves on dream beaches, chatting in the hottest trendy bars, hiking Machu Picchu in Peru. The message behind the images? "Look at the amazing life I have. And all I have to do is show off the amazing life I have." A logical, circular argument. And yet also a very well-functioning business model in a deeply narcissistic age.

Today, achievement can consist of being seen and liked by as many people as possible. Even if the person provides no social value—and without makeup or a professional photographer, they would be indistinguishable from the average Joe. Or even from Nosferatu after breakfast. Many likes mean a lot of global approval and ringing cash registers for tech companies like Meta. A lot of anonymous approval is like a wonderful, empty reflection. Narcissism, in other words, but in the digital version of the 21st century.

Strongest currency: attention. Distribution: very unequal 

Attention is one of the most powerful currencies in the world, both economically and biologically speaking. In a world of zappers, skimmers, and "fight-likers," attention is measured in seconds and clicks on social platforms like Instagram. In the partner market—for animals and humans alike—it's all about getting time and willingness to mate from conspecifics.

Attention is never distributed equally: For example, 78 percent of the most attractive women on the dating platform Tinder are only interested in 20 percent of the most attractive men. Among hippos, however, the strongest males maintain an entire harem of females, while the betas and gammas have to trudge along a puddle of water. Attention is therefore scarce and coveted across the board—which is why, economically speaking, it is also very expensive.

Furthermore, the attention economy is not a meritocracy. In other words, it's not necessarily those who earn the most money through particularly recognized achievements who reap the most rewards. For example, a website raising money to combat child hunger can languish in digital obscurity, while a resourceful woman selling her farts in jam jars online ($1,000 per jar) might even make it to page 3 in the free newspaper "20 Minutes." She doesn't necessarily have to have paid for it, because free newspapers consider such a "cool story."

And what does that have to do with ADHD? 

(Almost) everyone, with the exception of confirmed hermits, has a basic need for acceptance and "to be seen." Babies are known to physically deteriorate if they are only fed and then consistently left alone (as cruel as it may sound, this experiment was conducted). However, people with ADHD, especially those of the hyperactive type (ADHD-H), do not simply receive attention from childhood. Psychologists estimate that they experience inappropriate criticism and rejection up to 20 times more often than their neurotypical peers.

The result can be social withdrawal, but the deficiency can also manifest itself in increasingly demanding, "antisocial" behavior. Either way, the school's reaction is often rejection ("ah, a little diva, she's probably too good for the group") or exclusion ("if he always thinks he's about to throw a tantrum, he just can't participate anymore").

Attention-seeking or simply different? 

Are there little narcissists among us? Indeed, this accusation is often leveled at people with ADHD. Because they chatter a lot, interrupt, can't always contain their enthusiasm, are sometimes loud, suddenly seem absent , change the subject, talk at length, lack diplomacy, etc. Typical ADHD. The simplest and most humane solution would be tolerant social inclusion—recognizing the challenges that people with ADHD struggle with daily: inattention, hyperactivity/nervousness, and impulsiveness .

We all know that, right? Yes, we do. It's just that in people with ADHD, the dial for these personality traits is permanently set to 4 or 5 out of 5, while neurotypical people fluctuate between 1 and 5. Ever gently heated food on a 5 out of 5 setting? Still exhausting, right?

So-called " ableism " describes this dilemma. It can be roughly summarized by the following social norm: "Aha, ADHD, interesting. Yes, as long as you still act NORMAL, I can fully respect that. And otherwise...maybe you should try a little harder. Or at least don't forget your pill in the morning ." The author of this blog (1 hour 30 minutes of work) would sometimes like to say the same thing to those neurotypical people who despair over a text for half a day or a whole day, only to then deliver it in a rather mediocre way. But that's a bit arrogant, isn't it? They simply can't do any better.

In the next blog: Toxic communication and what it does (2/3)